These are just some of the feelings that I get when I am reminded of my singleness. It seems as if I have never been good enough, and while I have had a past relationship, I still desire for what’s to come.
Lately, I have been bitter. Bitter because I am a minority in the circle of friends that I have. They’re mostly married and with kids, whereas I am not. Bitter because I can’t relate to a group of people around me because their season of life is completely different from mine. Bitter because I feel alone.
I have tried to put up a front of being okay and that life is okay the way it is, but honestly, it’s not.
I know that this is such a blessing to have, to be single. I get more freedom to be able to do ministry work. I have more flexibility when someone needs me to help them out. Heck, I can even spontaneously buy a plane ticket and go somewhere new. Yet, I feel as if that’s not enough. I know that it’s just a lie from the enemy and just me getting into my headspace too much.
I wish that I had more single friends close by (the downside of having friends from all over the world is that you can’t see them every day). I wish that I had a travel companion who, just as spontaneously as myself, would go on an adventure. I wish that there was a singles ministry anywhere in the town that I live in. I have looked it up before and even reached out to a couple of people but no luck yet.
I am reminded of what Paul wrote to the Corinthians,
“I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
1 Corinthians 7:32-35
I have no distractions right now. I know that it’s hard to see that, at times, being single is actually a great gift to have from God. I get to pour more of myself into others and get to love others more and invest in their lives more.
I have even had the privilege of having so many wonderful experiences all over the world and even with that, I had the opportunity to see different sides of God that I had never seen before, such as, his creativity when he created the landscapes in New Zealand!
I have had a few people try to set me up with people but I don’t want to go for someone just because they think that I need to be with that person. Knowing that God has a plan for me and my life is so much better than what we can ever choose for ourselves and even others we care about. I heard this quote from someone, “The second most important decision in your life is choosing who you want to spend the rest of your life with. The first is deciding to follow Jesus.”
To the people that are married and have kids: please don’t assume to know what is best for us singles in our lives just because we lack the very thing you have. God has called us to be in a season where he is molding and shaping us to be who he has created us to be just as he is doing with you, except ours will look different.
It doesn’t help when you try to push something on us about why we are still single when we are already struggling with that fact and yet wanting more.
Recently, I attended a church service and the sermon was about parenting. I confess that I burst into tears and had to step out for a while because I just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s as if God is playing a sick joke on me because:
- I ultimately desire to be married, and
- I am unsure if I would like to have kids one day.
Even with all the feelings of angst and bitterness, I have been able to learn from a faith community about marriage and parenting – how to love your spouse and have a Christ-centered marriage, and how to train children in the ways of God. It is definitely a privilege to have and being able to store this wisdom in my heart for future reference is great.
A thing that keeps me going is knowing that God is still preparing me to be the wife that my future husband needs (if that is in his plan for me). There is no sweeter thing than to know that the one who created me and planned every detail of my life is faithful to me, even when I feel inadequate. My value and worth do not come from whether there is a ring on my finger but from the very one who died for me.
//EDIT: I know it may seem that I am complaining or super depressed but after a recent get-away and thinking more during my travel I am looking forward to this season I am in but it does not help me when I am constantly reminded by others, albeit unintentionally at times, that I am a lone wolf. //