Confessions of an Ex-Porn Addict

We live in a world where an answer to a question is just a few keystrokes away or finger taps away. There is such a strong surge of information coming at us from different media outlets, but along with the positive of technology comes the negative side. One of the things that have started to seep itself more into our lives is pornography.

We live in such a sexually driven world, and as a follower of Jesus with a not so pretty past, I can’t help but see how broken we are but most of us don’t really know it.

Everywhere you look there is a model that is half-naked yet when a woman is trying to nurse her baby in public there’s uproar. Have we become so delusional that we think sex is better than life itself? There are certain addictions that are being introduced to children at a young age, including pornography.

There are so many repercussions in living in an oversexualized and pornographic society. Human trafficking becomes more prevalent, men and women don’t know how to cope with real-life situations and oftentimes reality isn’t what we would like it to be in between the sheets.

I have a confession to make: when I was in elementary school I was first introduced to pornography.

It sounds so taboo but I have to speak out because I know that I’m not the only one.

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As a young girl, I thought it was something normal to watch. In middle school, my computer inevitably got herpes from all the downloaded paraphernalia that came along with that addiction. I struggled with this until I was 24! I questioned my sexual identity a lot and I also sought to be validated by men that would treat me the way they treated girls in the films. I was definitely not living my life with a bigger purpose.

I think it was a deeply ingrained way of thinking for me. I did have a father in my life, but he wasn’t as active in my life as my mom was. I had a rocky relationship with my mom as well; I had to cope with life in different ways.

It was so bad that I wasn’t able to function well because my thoughts would be on what I would do when I’d get home. I was never satisfied; funny because that’s the way that sin is. It is so good in the beginning, then you crave more of it but you never feel good about yourself afterward.

I didn’t know how to relate to men or women. I had a perverse way of loving others and I thought that in order to be loved and valued as a woman, I needed to act and look like the girls that I would see in the videos. I thought it was normal to receive unwanted attention from men because that meant that I was desired.

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Funny thing is that I didn’t realize the consequences that objectification would have on me as a woman.

When I was younger I hated going to my parent’s workplace because it was a place full of men but I never felt safe or protected; instead, I felt as if I was being undressed with the looks I would receive.

What a broken world we live in – all the more proof that we need a Savior.

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In my walk with Christ, I had to let go of a lot of things that weren’t good for me, pornography and my addiction to it was one of them.

I still remember the day that I called out to the Lord about this. I even wrote Him a letter telling Him how bad I felt about this addiction and that I didn’t know how to stop it. That I knew this wasn’t honoring Him but that I couldn’t overcome this without His help.

I asked Him to change my heart to be more like His and I was submitting to Him these urges, trusting that He would help me.

He totally delivered me from this addiction and I am so thankful! Has it been easy? No; I still have to stay away from things that will tempt me but it gets better with time. I know my boundaries now, and I am not willing to compromise to cross them because I don’t want to go back to that way of living anymore.

One verse that I had to memorize was:

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 

It feels so good to walk in freedom and interestingly enough, those moments when I am tempted I recognize that there is an escape; I just have to have the self-control in order to flee.

If you are struggling with this addiction, there is help available. You are not alone and even if it seems impossible to overcome now – it is possible because we are conquerors through Christ! God is real and Jesus is not a legend!

 

Daily Post Word Prompt: Legend
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5 thoughts on “Confessions of an Ex-Porn Addict

  1. Self control is a fruit of the Spirit. It is available to you, and me, as we learn and strive to be more Christlike. I have always wanted to move it up from last on the list to somewhere closer to the top so I don’t forget about it! Everyone’s voice seems to trail off and mumble after naming the first few, love, joy, peace, patience,….. all wonderful, but self-control is needed just as much in recovering from any kind of addiction or harmful behaviours. That is a long winded way of me trying to encourage you that you can overcome and flee!
    Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for being brave, real and open. And thank you for offering hope and Jesus. Blessings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Cynthia! I appreciate the encouragement. I agree that people oftentimes forget about self control being a fruit of the spirit. I once heard somewhere that lacking self control is the equivalent of a fortress without walls which results in the enemy attacking and taking over. God is so faithful to provide a way to escape and to grow self control in is! God bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for this post. I’m overcoming the same path you’ve lived, I hope to get to the end of it free from this addiction and I live!
    God bless your life!

    Liked by 1 person

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