I went back to my really old blogging posts…like Xanga old! I was so amazed at how I used to be and how much God has changed me for the better.
I was so depressed and bitter; I also had a lot of teenage angst. Here’s an excerpt from one of the last entries that I wrote before moving to Miami, FL at the ripe old age of eighteen.
“All this time I just think and think, and sometimes I can’t even go to sleep because I start to realize that I’m going off to another place, and meet a variety of new people and I won’t see my parents as much. I’m really going to miss them when I’m gone. College is definitely going to be a new experience for me. Hopefully I’ll be able to make new friends and I won’t be so down in the dumps like I was here. Miami is where I’m headed and I hope that while I’m gone, God will protect everyone, my family, my friends, my old classmates, and everyone that I’m leaving behind. I really don’t want to leave on bad terms with anyone, but this past year, I’ve come to realize who my friends really were. I’ve been living a life of solitude; I haven’t been hanging as much as I thought I would be. I guess one side of me wants to break ties with everyone around here just for the fact that I won’t be so sad when I leave, and another side of me doesn’t want to let go. I am at a constant battle with myself. I was so scared and happy that I made it where I walked across the stage and got my diploma; I never expected it to come so soon! I mean, I can still remember the first day of my freshman year! My, how I tried to fit in, I remember not even having anyone to sit with at lunch because I didn’t know anybody. Then I met AT, we became friends just like that. I was her effin sidekick. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t like that. A f***ing sidekick. I’m going to try my hardest to become the leader, or an equal, with all my friendships when I move to the MIA. I’m going to get closer to God too, I’ve backslid a lot and I sometimes feel like I can’t get up. God is the only answer.” Circa: June 2007
There are so many things that have changed since this entry, that was ten years ago! I really did mess up a lot in my life and in hindsight, God was constantly pursuing me but I had no idea what that looked like. At sixteen I made the decision to follow Jesus but lack of discipleship and sound theology made me just think that I had to say a prayer and I was set for life.
God doesn’t work like that – He wants to know me intimately. He wants to know you intimately as well.
The God of the universe, the Creator of everything seen and unseen wants to have a relationship with us and if that isn’t astounding and mind-blowing then I don’t know what is!
God has brought me out of so much darkness and he is still fighting for me – He sent Jesus to take on the wrath of His judgment instead of placing it on me. That is undeserved grace. I am so humbled by that fact.
I struggle with am I really worthy enough to be loved? Am I really loved by God? Why does it feel as if there is some sort of disconnect between my head and my heart when it comes to knowing that.
When I struggle with questioning God’s faithfulness I reflect on what He has delivered me from and then I remember that He was with me the whole time – even when I would push him away.